shut up
In today's SHUT UP, GOVERNMENT news: COOKIE DOUGH.
Specifically, the raw variety.
The FDA has apparently issued a warning to consumers that they should no longer partake in raw cookie dough. This, due to a "ongoing outbreak of illnesses related to a strain of E. coli bacteria found in some batches of flour."
Did you say something FDA? I'm afraid I didn't hear you.
Could you repeat that?
Wow, that's weird I STILL can't hear you
*LALALALLALALALLA*.
LOOK, "related to," "some batches." All I hear is you saying the risk is not NEARLY high enough for me to give a shit.
ALSO.
A. E. coli is ALL OVER YOUR BODY (ok. parts of your body but WHATEVER.)
B. "SOME batches of flour?" WHERE? I demand answers. Divert some of the funds used to build the B-2 Spirit military plane that costs $2.4 BILLLLION DOLLARS to track that flour down and take it out. No one needs a B-2. Can that plane find E. Coli infested flour? NO.
CASE CLOSED.
Listen, there is literally no amount of E. coli that is going to stop me from squandering away some cookie dough while my kids aren't looking and then hiding behind the fridge door to pretend like I'm getting an apple while I inhale ALL OF THAT E. COLI like a Kirby vacuum during an in-home demonstration.
STEP AWAY FROM THE COOKIE DOUGH.
THE END.
(E. coli is actually kind of serious, but I'm taking the risk).
